- 01 Jan 2020
Out with the old and in with the new.
Happy new year! Happy new decade! To your health, and to your wealth. May your future be prosperous and your family live in abundance.
Remember when we’d greet each other with such forceful cheer, way back in 2020? When Donald Trump was merely a White House tweeting machine, and not yet a challenger to Jack Nicklaus’ golf majors record.
This is a message dispatched from Tuesday, January 1, 2030, and you’ve just swallowed the theory that the so-called former “commander-in-cheat” might legitimately win not one golf tournament but upwards of 18 against the world’s elite.
The funny thing is, had it happened, perhaps it would not have been the most seismic event of the past 10 years – a turbulent, anything-goes period in sporting history.
Some will tell you sport in the 2020s reached its nadir when FIFA’s executive committee needed three days of meetings before ruling out staging the 2029 Club World Cup in the cities of Chernobyl and Pripyat. You can’t, it turns out, carry out urban regeneration within a nuclear exclusion zone, not even with the best will in the world and the 100% backing of CONMEBOL.
Others will look to the NFL appointing Sarah Sanders as its commissioner. Here, in any case, is an advance snapshot of the decade you’re about to live through.
Happy New Year pic.twitter.com/vHqlxLJo5X
— Bafetimbi Gomis (@BafGomis) December 31, 2019
A 39th game in the Premier League … and goodbye to VAR!
By the dawn of the 2020s nobody doubted heads could be turned by great wedges of cash. The Premier League’s long-mooted ’39th game’ finally got the green light, with an extra round of fixtures being staged in the United States in 2023 – predictably overshadowed by a routine weekend of college football.
Away from dollar-driven ‘progress’, 2023 also saw the VAR system abolished by incoming FIFA president and career goal-hanger Gary Lineker. No one countenanced ever speaking of VAR again.
If VAR was a manager, he’d have been sacked weeks ago.
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) December 28, 2019
Roger… and still not out!
Roger Federer has never added to those 20 grand slam titles he tallied in the ’00s and ’10s, and agonisingly he saw Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic both nudge one ahead of him on the all-time list in the early 2020s. Where are Rafa and Nole now though? In an incontestable, quite glorious triumph for Team Federer, Roger is rolling on at the age of 48, a knock-in for those Wimbledon and US Open wild cards and still a fixture in Anna Wintour’s wildest dreams.
In 2026, Federer partnered his 16-year-old daughter Myla Rose in mixed doubles at the Australian Open. “I’ve always wanted to keep going until my grandchildren have the chance to see me play, but of course so many people want to write me off,” said Roger in a post-match interview.
Federer, hunting that elusive 21st major, has reached the third round of a major only twice since 2022. The year 2022, coincidentally, saw Serena Williams finally match and then pass Margaret Court’s women’s tour record of 24 singles slams, immediately quitting tennis and public life at the age of 40 for a surprising second career in taxidermy. Cross the formidable Serena these days and you really can get stuffed.
We are wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2020. “I remain committed to empowering millions of children because children are tomorrow’s future”- Roger Federer. https://t.co/rxIIvUJ9ZJ pic.twitter.com/4F3QshgmK2
— Roger Federer Fdn (@rogerfedererfdn) December 31, 2019
Run off track
Peeved with persistent pee-test perniciousness, the plug was pulled on Olympic athletics six months out from Los Angeles 2028. To assuage the choking loss of track and field, the sport was substituted on the Memorial Coliseum stadium schedules by daily NFL games, thus guaranteeing stunning television audiences and spectacular financial success, feathering the IOC nest. The rest of the world audience, as per, embraced whatever sport in which their country had concocted a way to become world-beaters since the Tokyo Olympics. America’s dominance of the shooting proved a sore point with some observers, given the successful dismantling of the NRA by President Michelle Obama’s administration.
Is it 2028 yet? pic.twitter.com/7TNFmTTbli
— LA Memorial Coliseum (@lacoliseum) August 15, 2019
Hearn in space
‘No context’ in 2019, and no gravity by 2028, boxing promoter Eddie Hearn teamed up in a co-promotion with Elon Musk’s SpaceX corporation to announce boxing’s first showdown on the International Space Station. The Matchroom boss guffawed and called the experience “different gravy” on a recce trip, yet not one astronaut on the ISS laughed back nor posted a three-second clip straight to Twitter. Even from a height of 250 miles, the world instantly felt a better place.
Coming out was the new staying in
A host of sports stars – you’ll recognise some of the names, but all in good time – came out as proud members of the LGBTQ+ community over the last decade. The enlightened public majority welcomed the healthy cultural shift that made it possible, and an ignorant minority was soon shouted down. After years of suppressing their true selves in public, this generation of athletes was able to thrive in large parts of the world. There’s no punchline here, just the hope we don’t screw this one up in the years ahead.
— Premier League (@premierleague) December 9, 2019
The future’s female, are we nearly there yet?
How has the gender gap closed over the course of the 2020s, you wonder? Here’s an answer: significantly but not sufficiently.
Sure, there’s been a woman reaching the final of the darts world championship, half a dozen female Formula One drivers, Sam Kerr grabbed a handful of A-League goals when guesting for Perth Glory, and we’ve seen the first prominent football managers crossing over to the men’s game (Emma Hayes spent two years at Fulham, Corinne Diacre had 15 months with Lille, Laura Harvey is bossing the Seattle Sounders and Sarina Wiegman is sporting director of PSV).
The future’s better: stadiums are now packed for women’s World Cups in football, rugby and cricket.
Squabbling over tennis prize money calmed when grand slams cut matches across the board to best-of-three-set contests, yet achieving outright equality across the sporting spectrum will be one for the 2030s crew to take on.
I LOVE talking about sports and reading all of the dumb misogynist comments. It reminds me that women need to keep fighting for equality. It’s 2019 but feels like the 1950s. #feminist
— Kate Upton (@KateUpton) October 30, 2019
Football ‘came home’, with England driven to their 2026 World Cup triumph by a combination of Jurgen Klopp’s astute management, Harvey Elliott’s mastery of the number 10 role, and Real Madrid frontman Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s irresistible finishing.
Just one more thing…
Don’t believe everything you read. That last memory of the decade? Bigly fake news. To the delight of their many World Cup frenemies, the England football team is still FAILING.
— City of Sydney (@cityofsydney) 31 December 2019